It is evenings like these, where I have no anger left inside me to express, when my world has turned on me, and caused the most unnecessary sequence of events to occur that I wish you here.
I wish you would come walking into the bar that I will inevitably find myself sitting in tonight and make me forget some of these just plain terrible people that exist around me, well they are not all that terrible, they just treat the ones around them terribly, including me. I just wish you would be there to tell “don’t worry, kid, it will get better, I promise” and then make it awkward by making a joke referencing matthew fox’s penis and my obsession with Jack Shephard and then give me that smile that I have grown to love so much.
It’s nights like these I wish I could walk down a snowy path in the woods and disappear forever until you found me.
Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. I am tired of being a part of society, of my life. I wish I could just fade away and my responsibilities would fade away as well and not be dumped on someone else.
I wish the world was simple enough that I could wander off into the trees and live my life alone, no one to ever bother me. Life would be better surrounded by nature and whatever my mind creates.
I wish I could just live in a cabin in the woods and go insane by myself and not have a person or government care what exactly I was doing.
But I know that’s too much to ask because we live in a world where disappearing is impossible because everyone has to know what you’re doing. And even if you manage to hide from the people, the government will find you and make you live your life the way they think is normal.
The funny thing is that it didn’t have to end up this way, I mean I always figured that it would, but it really didn’t. I left it in your hands and all you had to do was say “hello”, all you had to do is not do the very thing I asked you not to do. I don’t care, never will care, about any of the other bullshit that you probably think is the reason that this is happening. What I care about is that some where along the line you got the idea that I will just sit here and wait for you to need me around. That when I said I am not going anywhere, because I don’t walk away, that you thought that it meant I will just be forgotten about until you need someone. And even though I told you, like I tell everyone, that doing that will end this, you ignored my words and continued doing what you always do. I told you, many times, you walk away enough and eventually I will let you go. I stopped you before you made that promise and told you not to make promises you can’t keep because I will hold you to it. You will end this friendship is you break that promise you haven’t fully gotten out yet, I gave you a chance to take it back, to take the easy way out, and yet, you made that promise over and over, and then you broke it again and again, and now I have no choice but to let you go.
It didn’t have to be this way, all you had to do was day “hello” every once in awhile.
What no one seems to understand about the way I think is that I don’t want you to be sorry; I don’t want you do something wrong or hurtful to me and then come apologize. I want you to accept what you did; I want you to look at me and see the anger or pain you caused me, I mean really see what YOU, a simple human being, has the ability to do to another. I want you to learn from your mistakes and I want you to accept the bad things you do to others for personal gain. I want you to learn what kind of person you are. I want you to be who you are and be proud of who ever that person is, even if that person is an uncaring asshat who hurts the people around them. And I want you to have the ability to change who are if you really do hate what you have done, but what I want you to remember is sorry doesn’t do that. Saying sorry does not mean anything in this day and age. All sorry has become is an easy way for someone to say “oh shit, you caught me. Well fuck I am sorry.” But you’re not sorry for what you did, maybe you are, but you’re more sorry because you got caught. I want more than that for all of you. I want you to accept your faults and love yourself because sorry means nothing, it fixes nothing. It is just a group of words that is suppose to.make it all better. Make the guilt go away. And that is bullshit.
I will always say “it’s okay ” after an “I am sorry”, but not because it is okay, and not because you are magically forgiven, but because I am giving you a chance to learn, to discuss what you did, to reflect and learn who you are. In reality I say that it is okay because it is what you need to hear to keep living, I say it for your sake, not because anything is okay. I will never forgive anyone completely and I will never forget what you did to me, but if you learned anything about anything because of that experience than I will be happy.
All I really want is to teach people and to help people be who ever they are and to take responsibility for what they do. And for the love
Of god stop expecting apologies to fix anything.
Sometimes when I stare out the windows of what ever car I am in, I think what if Zombies came now. Sometimes I wish they would because it would be something different. It would mean I could stop feeling like I am failing at the life this society expects of me. Sometimes I wish I’d see those fucked up dead creatures coming down the road, so for the first time in years I would feel like I have a purpose. Hell, I don’t even know if I would survive the first Zombie I encountered, but at least in that situation you have one choice to make, Live or Die. That is an easy choice. I fight my hardest to survive.
And then, what is even better, is that everyone falls to my level. No one is higher than me, no one deserves more for no fucking reason. There is no happiness or sadness over shit that doesn’t matter; there is life and death. The struggle to live or the willingness to give it all up because you’re too weak to fight. There is brotherhood and companionship between strangers based on nothing more than the will to fight for a life. There will always be the dicks who put themselves first and lets be honest everyone would, but still people are people and when you get out of the dogfight the bonds will form and the more you are fighting with those people the more you will learn to save them along with yourself, or at least that is what I would hope. In the end, I am selfish and unless you are one hell of a person I will pull a Shane (Walking Dead reference) and let you die for myself and/or the good of the group, if there is a group I am traveling with.
And even if I am wrong about people and it is every man for himself, than being alone in the world doesn’t make me such an outcast as it does right now, and I don’t have to feel so alone. Then I don’t have to worry about anyone because they will be off doing their own thing. Sometimes I am get sick of worrying about people, sometimes I wish I just didn’t care about another soul because then I could stop being hurt when no one cares about me. The lone wolf in the Zombie Apocalypse, I don’t know how long anyone could survive like that, but hey we all got to die eventually mine as well go out killing Zombies.
But really I don’t actually wish for the world to come to an end. And I don’t wish harm on any being on this planet. I guess I just want some kind of change on this godforsaken planet. People are so terrible, the world is so terrible. Selfish, cruel, evil people walk the streets of this world. They hurt the ones who care for them and ruin lives just because they are can’t get over what ever is wrong with their own pathetic life. I just wish there was more to this thing we call life than material objects and hate. I wish I didn’t walk out of my house every day and within minutes find another reason to hate people. There is a lot of good out there too, I know that, but sometimes all I can see is the hate, the pain, my pain.
I just want something to change, a global fucking change, but that will never happen in my lifetime, because people never change and will not change unless they are forced by something bigger than their social status. So here is to hoping for the coming of some Zombies.